Transition

The Tiber in Rome

The Circus Maximus with St. Peter's Dome in the Background

Dear Friends and Family,

I sit down to write you on a beautiful Sunday morning in Ottawa Canada, where the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the air is a crisp 35 degrees or so. After an early morning Mass and then time hearing Confessions, I am able to sit down and write you. But first I had the great joy of opening a number of letters that you all had sent. Thank you!!! I so enjoyed hearing from you. Given how intense studies will be these coming weeks I may not be able to write you back, but please know that it was a great joy to read your letters and picture you all and what you are doing. May God reward you.

Well, after an extremely full two months in Europe--seems like it was much longer than two months!--I arrived Friday evening safe and sound in Ottawa Canada, where I'll be staying in one place (as far as I know) until the end of May. Thanks to the kindness of Fr. Eric Deprey, FSSP, the pastor here, I am staying in the rectory of St. Clement Parish ( http://stclement-ottawa.org/en/ ), and have been given an office in which to study, as well as a bed room. The Church as beautiful, old, and quiet. Should be a good place for prayer and study, and Fr. Deprey seems to me a humble and kind priest.

As many of you heard me say a few months ago, one key goal for this winter and Lent was to have extended time for prayer in order to better listen to the Lord's voice--which is often quiet--in my own soul. By and large these past few months were very blessed in that respect. Even in the midst of all the travels that were necessary I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost always possible, in addition to the Holy Mass and Divine Office, to have extra time for quiet prayer, Holy Hours, etc. Sometimes quite a lot of time for quiet prayer. Plus the very fact of being in foreign countries, especially ones with languages other than English, tends to give you solitude even when in the midst of crowds, and so it tends to facilitate prayer throughout your day even when in the midst of people and activity. The book The Soul of the Apostolate was a helpful one. It speaks of the need for a contemplative life in the midst of the apostolate. At any rate it was a blessed past few months and I'm very grateful for your all's prayers. Please don't stop praying! Discernment, studies, priestly ministry, and prayer are all ongoing.

It was also a blessed past few months for studies--on several different levels. Certainly on the level of languages. For example I was happy to discover that on the flight back from Rome I was able to read through a book in Italian--a life of St. John of the Cross--without the help of a dictionary. And there was a good deal of canon law study, but most of all it was an interesting time for studying the situation of the Church in Europe and, given the particular role of Rome, throughout the world. It was also a time of forming relationships with various people, that hopefully will be helpful for future priestly ministry and study. For example I got to know Don Francesco Giordano, head of Human Life International for Italy. He's an American with a great sense of humor and more importantly a strong faith, and a very difficult job. Living and working in Rome for years he was well placed to give some perspective on current evens in society and in the Church. Many other interesting people and contacts took place. May the Lord use all of that for His glory.

As I begin this time in Ottawa I wanted to let you know of another transition in my life. After a good deal of thought and prayer, and at the encouragement of my spiritual director, I will for the moment go back to using my baptismal name of Tony (Anthony). This is what is normally done when a priest transitions from religious life to life as a diocesan priest, which is what I am for the moment. Just as when one enters religious life and, in order to outwardly manifest the interior change that comes with becoming a member of a religious community, one dons a religious habit, takes a new name, and follows a specific rule of life. So also, when one transitions from religious life, this is supposed to be manifested by the taking off of the habit and donning diocesan gear, adapting to the rhythm of life as a secular priest instead of the daily schedule of a religious, and also (normally) resuming one’s baptismal name.

Having prayed on this a lot I think that, given the fact that for the moment I am a diocesan priest, it makes sense for me to adopt again my baptismal name. I also feel that this preserves the name “Moses of Jesus” for the proper use for which it was given: to live as a brother, and then priest, member of MDM. If the Lord calls me to once again live as a religious member of MDM then it would make sense to use my religious name again. 

Having said that, you all should still feel very free to call me Fr. Moses! This would be similar to what my family and friends did when I received a new name upon entering religious life, a name that of course differed from the one they had known for 22 years. It was hard for some of them that I took on a new name, as it may be hard for you or some others in Texas that I am going back to my baptismal name, but close friends and family still continued to call me Tony most of the time—sort of like a special nickname that they knew and used because of the special relationship developed over those years. In the same way it would seem to me very normal that all those who have known me for 14 years as Br/Fr Moses would continue to call me so.

I had been sensing for a while that this change might be what the Lord was asking of me for now, but had hesitated because I felt it might be perceived by you all or others as me in some way “renouncing who I was,” or appearing to do so. I don’t think that’s at all the case—after all, the green hair and three earrings I now have really don’t change who I am at a deeper level. Rather, in God’s mysterious plans, I believe this is part of the sacrifice He’s asking of me during this time away. At any rate, since to the best of my ability I think it’s what He’s asking of me, I will begin as of now going by Fr. Anthony Pillari (or probably Fr. Tony Pillari for most people). But it will also be a joy for me to hear you address me as Fr. Moses if you wish. Either way it's always a joy to hear from you! Am very much looking forward to the time when I'll be seeing you all again in person. Don't yet know though when that will be possible, and it may not be possible for a while. We'll see...

I will be very much thinking of you and praying for you as we live this Triduum. Please let your children know that I will miss them but will be praying for them! If they pray for me as well then hopefully all of us will be better servants of the Lord by the end of the week.

May Jesus and Mary watch over you.

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Tony Pillari

Heading towards Holy Week

Contemplative Sheep

Dear Friends and Family,

Holy Week is almost here! One of the best times of the year with the wonderful liturgies of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and of couse Easter itself. I will be praying for you all in a particular way as we follow our Lord in His passion, death, and resurrection, and wanted to share with you below how I will be living those liturgies. But first let me share some of the photos from this great 3 mile jog I found here in England. It takes you up and down hills, from the Carmelite monastery to the ocean.

Crest of first hill (monastery is in valley behind me)

The winding road heading towards the sea

Off in the distance, between two hills, is the ocean

Nearing now the Ocean and small sea-side town of Mawgan-Porth

Locals strolling the beach since it was a balmy 45 degrees

Had to put the sheep again since the animals are very nice to see along the way

Exercise this week also involved a day working at a farm--to get to know one of the local families that helps a lot at the monastery. Work included helping chop up a pig that had just been butchered. Interesting work... Neat family: mother and father have 12 children, and then those children, most of whom are married, have perhaps another 15 - 20 grandchildren so far. The youngest is two year-old Barnabas, a Down-Syndrome child. He's adorable. When I prayed the rosary with the family he crawled over next to me and just kept staring and staring, not sure quite what to make of me.... then as I talked with the family he crawled up onto my lap and was as good as could be. A real joy and blessing for the family I believe! Who knows what God is doing in his little innocent soul. He certainly has a special smile and gaze, and it was neat to see how the other children treat him so well.

Other than that day, this week was full of "ora et labora" with whatever time wasn't in the chapel being spent studying here. From now through the beginning of June it will be an intense time of studies. Tests every week for these next few weeks. Then during April and May I'm in class about 24 hours of each week, plus assignments outside of class and then... will be beginning April 5th the J.D. courses which are supposed to take 30 hours a week, plus the additional work of doing some ministry alongside the FSSP priests to get to know them.. so I won't be bored!

Tomorrow morning I fly back to Rome, then Wednesday fly to the States (Cleveland Ohio), from where I'll drive to Canada and move into the FSSP parish that is near St. Paul's University. Holy Week should be interesting. Palm Sunday I get to just observe. Holy Thursday they kindly invited me to celebrate the Mass and preach the homily (half English and half French), then to assist Good Friday, the Easter Vigil, and Easter day Masses as subdeacon, and to chant some of the readings at each. Will be very much praying for you!

These past two weeks at this monastery have been very peaceful and prayerful. This morning I had another 5:15AM candlelit Mass and preaching in Italian. Tomorrow will be once again 5:15, and then off to the airport, so I'd best sign-off now....

With much love and prayers,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

Candle-lit Masses

Altar where I offered Mass this Morning

Dear Friends and Family,

Blessed Laetare Sunday to you all! This morning I had the wonderful blessing of doing something very dear to my heart: offering a candle-lit Mass before the sun was up (I know some people consider a desire for such things a mental illness but for me it has been one of my favorite things to do as a priest). The above photo was taken using my flash, at 5AM, before the start of the 5:15AM Mass.

The chapel is part of a 900 year old house that became a Carmel around two centuries ago, but that has a long history of Catholics enduring persecution, hiding priests, having priests martyred, etc. In fact the sanctuary lamp has been continuously burning in the chapel of this home--now Carmelite convent--since the time of the Reformation, meaning that the Blessed Sacrament has been here continuously since that time. Reading about the heroism of some of the Catholics of this home was very humbling. At any rate this is where I have been offering a daily Mass, including this morning.

To make me feel even more at home the Mass was not only candle-lit but it was also around 45 degrees in the chapel, reminding me of brisk early morning Masses at St. Joseph's outdoor chapel in Texas. At 5:15 A.M. I rang the bell and started out for the Mass, with the congregation consisting of 12 contemplative nuns (I think all under the age of 40). The sisters are behind a grill that faces this altar. The only light came from the candles on the altar--not even a flashlight needed to read the book.

At the nuns' request I preached the homily in Italian (since most of them are Italian and many don't yet know English well), and it was a beautiful Gospel to preach on--the miracle of the multiplication of the loaves by Jesus, which symbolizes the immense graces available from the Eucharist. Having an attentive audience of nuns I preached on (among other things) the variety of souls throughout the world who at this moment were starving for God's graces--those far from Him, steeped in sin and despairing of His mercy; those who would die today and needed the grace of conversion in order to be saved; mothers so exhausted from the challenge of raising a Catholic family that they felt they couldn't go on; fathers of families facing great challenges as head of the family; young people sensing a call to a vocation but finding it hard to respond; souls in purgatory; priests and nuns, etc.

And then preached on the amazing fact that, right then and there--in that Mass, Jesus wanted to feed all of them. All of these starving souls could receive His graces this morning, the graces that flowed from that altar. But in God's plans He calls for our cooperation, our prayers and adoration, for those graces to be poured out more abundantly. And so we prayed... was quite a nice experience to pray intensely for the world with the nuns kneeling in adoration.

There are some other photos I had wanted to show you but my computer is not cooperating... so I'll just add that I discovered yesterday a jogging route that is a three mile loop down to the ocean and back, with lots of hills in the middle. It's a great run, and has pretty scenery. After running past fields with sheep, cattle, and horses, you reach a little sea-side village with ice cream stands, etc. and the waves breaking on the beach. Hopefully the photos will eventually come through and I can post them.

This past week was quite good for prayer and studying. Only one more exam this coming week so it should be a bit less pressure. Last week's exams went well. Thank you for your prayers!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

Difference between England and Italy?

Some Children Playing outside after the Conference Last Weekend

Dear Friends and Family,

If you were trying to describe the differences between Italian and English culture, what examples would you give? One thing that comes to mind right away for me is the food. Of course as an Italian I may be biased, but I think Italian food is much richer and more flavorful than English. But another comparison presented itself this weekend as I was walking around the English village here:

While being driven to Florence's train station last week in Italy, my Italian driver got stuck in a traffic jam. The street had turned into a parking lot. After a few minutes he said "let's do this the Italian way" and proceeded to hope into the lane on the opposite side of the street (which thankfully remained free of cars during the next minute), drive past a long line of cars we had been waiting behind, then force his way, somehow, through this line of cars, in order to turn right and... to arrive at the train station on time. While driving he explained, "In Italy everyone knows the police won't do anything... and so basically anything goes while driving." Which seems pretty true from what I have seen so far in Italy, and in Rome in particular. While I have yet to seen a car hop onto the sidewalk and drive I've seen about everything else. Rules in Italy are... very flexible.

With my train station adventure still fresh in my mind I was strolling around this little English village yesterday and came across a circle, with a man and a dog in the center, and a line through it. Below the sign it said (roughly translated here), "You must pick up all droppings left by your dog. Violators will be fined $700." Somehow this seemed to speak volumes about the way rules are viewed in Rome versus in England.

Having said that, I have been very warmly welcomed into this little English village where I am offering Mass for some sisters at a Carmel, and where I will be spending a whole lot of time studying. During these next two weeks I will be hoping to: complete an exam and a 6 page paper, follow six 2-hour courses. Complete a 6 page bibliography (harder than it sounds because of formatting questions) for my thesis, follow several hours of online courses to prepare for civil law studies, and hopefully begin preparing Holy Thursday evening's homily and studying the rubrics for that Mass (the FSSP priests in Ottawa Canada very graciously offered to have me be the main celebrant for their Holy Thursday evening liturgy and then to assist as subdeacon for the remainder of the Triduum). So I shouldn't be bored while here...

Rather than give you a description of the place, I'd like to show you some images. I was about to go take some photos in the sisters' chapel, however I discovered that they had just locked the doors for setting up for tomorrow's services (as cloistered sisters they only go in there when no one else can). So... I found the following video which will show you some images. It is largely the same group of sisters, though the foundation (previously sisters of the Franciscans of the Immaculate), has now become Carmelites. It's a 5 minute video that gives you a bit of a feel for the place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P-_25Y5Rjc

You all are in my daily prayers. Good night!
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

What's in the Cupboard?

What do you think is inside?...

Dear Friends and Family,

First, thank you for your wonderful letters!!! They arrived in a package from my mother yesterday and I was so happy to read them! Please tell your children how happy I was to have news from them--to hear how they were doing and also to have the things that they drew for me. It was a nice taste of "home" from Texas.  I am praying for you all here.

Since this weekend might be extra-busy for me I'll go ahead and write this weekend's entry a bit early.  The above cabinet is in a priest's house that I'm staying at in Rome. It apparently used to be common in some places in Italy to have this for visiting priests, because when you open it up you have...

An Altar! It's a nice way to allow a room to be something else most of the time but then to turn it into a chapel. So if any of you are enterprising carpenters looking for a way to have a chapel in your house but without sacrificing a room, this might be something to look into.

Here are a few pictures from the balcony outside of this room (it's in an appartment building):

Though you can barely see it, off in the distance is a little tower peaking up over the rooftops. That is the tower of "Santa Croce in Jerusaleme" Church in Rome. And just 5 minutes from it is St. John Lateran. It's only a 10 minute walk to each. In fact in a few minutes I'll be heading out the door to pray vespers and make a Holy Hour in St. John Lateran.

Yesterday I made my Holy Hour at Santa Croce in Jerusaleme. It has first class relics of the Cross, one of the nails, etc. and was a nice quiet place to pray. I'm always amazed at how much good silence and prayer do for the soul! This morning I celebrated my Mass at 6:30AM in on the "cupboard altar" I showed you, and then stayed to pray during the quiet Mass of the next priest who celebrated at 7:30AM. Was a nice way to begin the morning.

Had an interesting dinner conversation with an Italian priest last night. He was speaking about the region of Italy that his family comes from and told some very colorful stories of the Mafia (most of which I won't repeat here). But I'll share one story. At one point a man was kidnapped for ransom. During his captivity some of the women members of the mafia family would always stay by his side praying their rosaries. At one point the ransom was not coming as it should so the Mafia decided to... cut off one of the man's ears and send it to his family with a promise that more would follow if the ransom wasn't paid. Apparently this took place, the women went back to praying their rosaries, and the ransom was then paid promptly. Interesting combination of faith and business...

These past few days were largely spent in my room for canon law studies. One paper and one test down, two tests and one more paper to go! Then of course more papers and tests, but it should all be doable.

In case you would like to see some photos of me, take a look here: http://seminairesaintvincent.fr/home.php?area=photos&evt=126&lang=fr   you will see me off and on in the photos (of 12 seminarians receiving "first tonsure").

Will be leaving early tomorrow morning for the conference in Florence. As always, you all will be in my heart and prayers.

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

Avec Marie

Our Lady's Statue Just Outside my Room

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy Valentine's Day! Have been thinking about, and praying for, those of you in Texas putting on the men's Encounter with Jesus retreat this weekend. Hope it was full of blessings.

The above statue sits right outside my door at the seminary here in France and is very nice to see each time I come and go. The Virgin Mary has been taking care of me in so many different ways, and this statue has been just one sign of that. But since every week I could write about Our Lady, and that might get boring for you all, I'll turn to something else...

This past week was a quieter one, with lots of time for studies. So perhaps this is a good Sunday for me to give you a bit of an overview of some of my activities and travels, rather than telling you about one particular event.

Studies of course are ongoing for canon law. For example in the next three weeks I have two papers due and three exams. In addition I've begun the preparatory courses for the civil law degree. In addition to learning civil law those courses should push me to further develop analytical and rhetorical skills. Given all this going on in the U.S. today, and given the very real threats to our ability to live out our Faith, the courses could be particularly interesting and useful. Language studies these past two weeks have been mostly French, though with some Latin mixed in. Though that will change in two days...

...when I head back to Rome and return to Italian. If my train and plane schedule allows I'm hoping to visit the Rue du Bac in Paris (the chapel of the apparitions of Our Lady to St. Catherine Labouré for the miraculous medal), and to ask for Her intercession (and will carry you all in my heart there). I will then be back in Rome for a few days for some meetings and further study. Then next weekend I will be in Florence at a conference of Roberto De Mattei. He's essentially invited about 100 Catholic leaders in Italy to gather for a networking conference in order to support each other in the face of some current challenges. He asked another priest and myself to come offer Mass each day and assist with Confessions during the breaks. Could be an interesting conference, and interesting people to meet--and as a bonus will be helpful for learning Italian!

From there I will likely stay in Florence an additional few days with the family that hosted me last summer, for continued Italian immersion and to simply see how they are doing. Then, I will be heading out to... England. Now you may be wondering, "Is Fr. Moses simply trying to visit as many countries as possible on this trip?" Nope. I had planned to be in Italy this whole trip however the trip to France seemed to be what the Lord (though my spiritual director and also at Cardinal Burke's prompting), was asking for these past two weeks. The trip to England is also at Cardinal Burke's prompting. Among other things I will be spending two weeks at a Carmelite monastery, full of young sisters, in need of the Latin Mass each day. It is a community that Cardinal Burke knows well and highly encouraged me to spend some time at, and to help them if I could. Though it won't be a great situation for studying Italian it should be a very nice situation for prayer, and also for canon law study--which will come at a good time given the exams and papers that are coming due.

Jumping over some other events of the next few months I will mention one possibility for part of this summer that I am particularly excited about. I may be able to make the full 30-day Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola at a retreat center in Europe. This has always interested me--both for my own spiritual formation but also for the sake of learning from the Exercises in view of future retreat ministry. This retreat is probably the most famous and most used retreat in the history of the Church for discernment, hence this summer would be a great time for me to make it.

Hopefully that gives you a bit of an overview of my travels. The main thing happening each day though is not those things, but is rather the daily conversation with Jesus and Mary. But if I filled every blog with that it might get a bit tiresome for you!

It is currently 3:30PM on a quiet, cool, Sunday afternoon. I am about to head out for a jog, and then was invited to lead the Solemn Vespers for the seminarians this evening. Have never lead that particular version before so it will be nice to learn it and above all nice to pray it.

I miss you all here but pray for you each day. You all must be praying for me because the Lord has been taking good care of me!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

PS. Just returned from vespers. Made a few mistakes but on the whole came through unscathed!

Bordeaux

Saint Eloi in downtown Bordeaux France

Hello from Bordeaux France! Praying that Jesus and Mary bless each of you in a particular way this Sunday as we prepare to enter into Lent. The above photo is one I took half an hour before I was the celebrant of a Solemn High Mass in this beautiful Church, on the main altar you see in the photo (I preached from the elevated place you see off to your left).

It was a beautiful experience. I am here in Bordeaux for a few days to get to know the parish life of the Institute of the Good Shepherd. The pastor very kindly offered to let me celebrate their principal Sunday Mass. As it was the first time I had ever been the celebrant of a high Mass with deacon and subdeacon I was a bit nervous, however they guided me through it just fine. The acoustics in this Church were beautiful! As was the choir which did some very beautiful polyphony (though if I could have flown the Servers of the Immaculate and Maidens of the Immaculate over here I would have had you sing instead in a heartbeat!). The homily seemed to come off OK in French and I enjoyed meeting some of the young families after Mass. Since I hadn't had the opportunity to preach or have a pastoral role in a few weeks it was nice to have that again.

Amidst the kaleidoscope of people that I have met in the past week I'll try to share a few examples.:.  First though a picture or two. These are from my time this past week at the seminary or the Good Shepherd in Courtalain France. The photos are not the best but at least it gives you something.

Day outing with seminarians to visit a castle and museum

Visiting the castle with a Brazilian seminarian (they are the largest contingent at the international seminary, with about 16 Brazilians)

Another portion of seminarians at the museum. The bald head you see is the tonsure of a Carmelite monk from Brazil studying at the seminary.

So then a few examples of people I've met:

The vocational stories are always interesting. For example one seminarian had a growing devotion to the poor souls in purgatory, to the point that he felt an increasing need to become a priest in order to be able to offer the Mass for them. Another, from Brazil, was at a seminary there and felt and increasing draw to the Latin Mass so that he decided to transfer to this seminary. Another Brazilian was in England for a year working in scientific research involving how they grow wheat in England. He encountered, at an airport in Brazil, some of the seminarians in full cassock, one thing led to another and he wound up in the seminary here. Another is an expert organist from Rome who entered. Another had worked in Africa for years (as a priest) and decided to join the Institute in order to found a parish and school in Uganda.

Another item that is interesting at the parish here--though actually it reflects what I had heard in the States now that I think about it--is that there are a lot of people who become Catholics (especially those who previously were only Baptized or had no faith at all) through the Traditional Parish. When I asked the pastor here what part of ministry he liked best he indicated this as his favorite form of ministry.

Tomorrow should be interesting as I hope to play soccer in the evening with one of the priests and some men from the parish. On that note I need to head out the door now if I'm going to get a run in and shower before chanting vespers at the parish.... miss you all and think of you and pray for you often!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari