Life in a Cassock

My First Attempt at a "Selfie"--my attempt to get a photo of myself in cassock before writing this blog post.
 Looks a bit goofy to me. Then again, it is my face so looking goofy might be inevitable!

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this post finds you well. It is a gorgeous Sunday afternoon here in Ottawa--70 degrees, blue skies and sunny. As I write this post my mom is in Boston preparing to run in tomorrow's Boston Marathon. Will be praying for you Mom!

Some of you had asked me about "life in a cassock" since I had worn a religious habit for the past 20 years. What would it be like to wear a cassock? Would people react differently on the streets, etc. than they did when I was wearing a religious habit?

It has been striking how much more quickly people now recognize me as a priest. Already the religious habit allowed many people to recognize me as a Catholic brother or priest--though in the words of Brother Mikael, "When people see me wearing this [religious habit] they think I'm going to a Renaissance Festival." Many non-Catholics, and even many Catholics, don't seem to know just what a religious habit means or signifies.  I still remember some years ago returning to the University of Notre Dame, wearing of course a full habit with a very visible rosary hanging from the belt, and asking at the reception desk of a student building where the chapel was. The employee kindly walked me down a hallway and opened a door to.... an empty room with a large square design on one wall. I looked at him in bewilderment and then he said, "Oh, you wanted the Catholic chapel."

In the cassock though--from gas stations to airports, to people at the check-out line of a supermarket, to people on the street--almost everyone seems to know that I'm a priest. I have certainly noticed a significant increase in the number of people who address me as Father. For example, the other day in a supermarket a clerk came up to offer to help and said "Father, I presume?" and then proceeded to tell me that she was no longer practicing but had been brought up Catholic, etc. Or yesterday in a Subway sandwich place someone (who I think was not Catholic), recognized me as a priest and struck up a conversation. Or another mother, on a plane, asked me to bless her infant child who was a bit sick; or a security personnel worker asked me to bless her, etc. etc. etc.

A few days ago I was walking in the neighborhood and a man spotted me and said "Father, I had to be away from Mass for several weeks, could I go to Confession with you right now?" So while walking along the sidewalk the man made his Confession and was absolved.

Of course not everyone is happy to see a priest. While walking in Rome one evening a man came up to me a bit upset to say "Now why do you dress differently from everyone else? Aren't you just trying to call attention to yourself? Priests should be humble and normal, dressing like everyone else." I tried to explain to him that it was precisely (among other reasons), in order to be visible to everyone as different from them in the sense that I was a priest and anyone could come up to me to ask for prayers or help. He didn't agree and eventually walked off, but even that conversation--which perhaps planted a seed in his heart--would not have happened without being "visibly different" due to the cassock.

The fact of wearing a cassock instead of a "clergy suit" (roman collar, black shirt, black pants), as far as I can tell doesn't phase the general public. They just think I'm a bit more dressed up than usual.

And it's true that I am a bit more dressed up, but feel very comfortable and relaxed in the cassock. While it is more formal looking than a religious habit, the fact that it is black wool also makes it very practical in the sense that dirt doesn't show as easily, etc. This came in handy today when sitting on the back patio of a "vocational discernment house" after lunch. The young ladies in the photo below are discerning possible religious vocations and invited me over for lunch and discussion.

It was a very nice meal and discussion. Please pray for them! But I mention this because (though it turned out the patio chair was quite clean), I would have felt quite comfortable sitting on a rock or even the ground in the black cassock. Black is a very practical color!

More profoundly the cassock reflects the deep tradition in the Church of the priest visibly manifesting--to others and also to himself as a sort of constant reminder--that he is set apart from the ways of the world. He is called to be "in the world but not of the world." Given our society today this witness is needed more than ever. And the cassock gives that witness in a striking way.

In sum, I would say that the cassock has felt quite a natural transition from the religious habit, and one that highlights the priestly character. May God bless those of you who so generously provided me with these initial cassocks. May God reward you!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Anthony Pillari

Snow and Montreal

Our Lady outside the front door of my rectory--in April!

Dear Friends and Family,

I write you on a gorgeous Sunday morning where the sun is shining, the sky is blue, there is snow on the ground, and it is a comfortable 26 degrees outside. On Wednesday I was treated to a six inch snowfall--not quite what I was used to in Texas!

The next day we drove to Montreal to spend the afternoon with FSSP priests from several houses in Canada. While there I began to learn more about the Catholic history of Quebec. It's rather impressive. There are a number of impressive saints who lived and died here at the beginning of Quebec. Also saints that we're familiar with such as Kateri Tekakwitha, who lived in this area and is buried near Montreal. It was hard to keep up with all the miraculous statues, mystics, and miraculous events that the fathers were telling me about.

For example, (don't quote me on the details as I'm probably not recounting them accurately), Montreal itself was founded due to some visions and miraculous events. It sounds like an initial apparition lead to some of the initial settlers. Then there was a miraculous preservation from flooding.  In one of the early years of its founding--I think the first year--the river began to flood and so the head of the colony climbed onto the highest hill in what is now the town, and planted a cross on it's summit. Then the waters receded. That's why to this day there is a large cross at the summit of this hill. Then later another apparition led, if I remember correctly, to a key group of religious--Fr. Olier's community, coming to Montreal.

Then there is the famous shrine to St. Anne near Quebec city. I can't remember if it is a miraculous statue of St. Anne, or graces that come from a first class relic of her, or what the case is, but it's a place known for many miracles. Then of course there is the shrine to St. Joseph, and St. André who promoted and built it, and so many miracles, and many other places and shrines. Quite impressive! The priests invited me to spend some days in Montreal or Quebec City and visit the shrines there. Sounds quite appealing. We'll see if I can get far enough in my studies to be able to take 2 - 3 days to do so.

Speaking of studies, civil law courses began this week and are intense! Though I must say also quite interesting. So, except for Thursday in Montreal, I spent the week almost living in the library at St. Paul's, alternating between canon law and civil law. Though intense, it was a good week of studies. That will likely be my rhythm the next few weeks: from 8AM through the evening studying in the library. (with breaks though some days for jogging, and every day for time in the University chapel to pray).

Speaking of rhythms, I need to get into the Confessional. Happy Good Shepherd Sunday!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Anthony Pillari

Divine Mercy Sunday

Pulpit Prepared for Divine Mercy

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy Divine Mercy Sunday! It is such a wonderful, wonderful day with so many graces! Am praying that Jesus grant each one of you the peace and joy that only He can give, along with all the particular graces you may need. Well, there is so much that could be said on this day that the challenge will be keeping this post from getting too long... so I'll try to focus on just a few concrete things from today.

Was a blessed day here that began around 5AM. (I was of course thinking of you all in Texas from that time on, of all the preparations that would be going on at the Mission, etc. and was praying for you). I unlocked the church and had some quiet time alone with the Lord, among other things some time to pray in front of the Divine Mercy image you see above, which the pastor had set up the night before. There is something special about having a whole church, especially a beautiful old church, all to yourself with only the sanctuary lamp, and the votive lamps near St. Joseph and Our Lady, burning. So in the stillness of the early morning I began the day with Jesus and Mary. I then laid out my vestments for Mass, set the altar missal, etc. turned on the lights, and then took time for spiritual reading, praying Matins, Lauds, and Prime, and then heading into the Confessional.

Confessions began at 7:30AM and would go until about 11:30AM. At 8:20 I left the confessional and vested for Mass. The quiet low Mass began at 8:30--during which I had to eager altar boys, each about 7 years old, but who were still relatively new to serving. They were very reverent, so even though they made some mistakes it worked out fine, and was quite touching seeing them trying to do everything right. Then I had 5 - 10 minutes of quiet thanksgiving, and then back into the confessional... from which I would emerge to help give Communion during the 10:30AM High Mass.

The pastor preached at all the Masses today--focussing on the message and image of Divine Mercy, and also inviting everyone to the afternoon Holy Hour with the chaplet. Believe it or not though I actually had to miss the Holy Hour because of... a work of mercy.

At the High Mass---and at all the High Masses I have been to so far, there are 3 - 6 people in wheelchairs in the front row, several of whom are handicapped. For example one of these is an 18 year old young man with cerebral palsy, who joins in the chants with as much gusto as he can. This was a very nice element of the Mass. Even if his singing wasn't always quite on pitch... it added a very nice note of "becoming like a child." I later learned that the young man knows almost all the chants of the entire Church year, and knows very well the rubrics of the Mass, so much so that he points out to priests if they make a mistake. So I'll have to be on my toes!

After the High Mass there was exposition, the litany of the Sacred Heart, and benediction. Then, after greeting people, I headed to the home of the family with this young man with cerebral palsy for lunch. Due to several factors, and the location of their home, which was out in the country, lunch didn't begin until the afternoon Holy Hour was about to begin, so I had to miss the Holy Hour, but I don't think the Lord was upset with that. Spending time with the family seemed a very appropriate thing to do on Divine Mercy Sunday. It was a wonderful afternoon with them.

I just returned to the rectory a little bit ago, prayed vespers, and sat down to write you all. Of course there is so much that could be said about the message of Divine Mercy themselves: the beautiful, but challenging, visions of Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory; the constant invitation from Jesus to draw near to Him, receiving His graces of forgiveness, accepting to change our lives and to strive for holiness; how many, many graces He wants to pour out through the Sacraments and in times that we come to Him for quiet prayer; the invisible presence of angels and demons, etc. etc. etc. But rather than try to give you a mini-homily on that here, especially since so many of you are very familiar with those messages, I'd simply invite those who may not be familiar to pick up the diary and read a portion of it this evening, even just a paragraph or two.

And thank you for your prayers for my studies. It was an intense, but productive, past week. So far I managed to stay on pace. The most challenging aspect of staying on pace will be some preparatory work for my thesis these next few weeks (on top of the civil and canon law courses). Civil law courses begin in earnest this Tuesday, so won't be a boring week!

May Jesus and Mary watch over you all and guide you.

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Anthony Pillari

Resurrexit Sicut Dixit, Alleluia!

Easter Sunday at St. Clemens (well before Mass)

Dear Friends and Family,

Resurrexit sicut dixit, Alleluia! (He is risen as He said, Alleluia!)

I pray that the courage, peace, hope, and joy that comes from our risen Savior will be poured out in abundance into your hearts this week. Happy Easter! Here it a great joy for me--as it always is--to have made it through Lent, then His passion and death, and now to His resurrection, and to give thanks for the wonderful, amazing gift of His triumph over death and over this world. Truly now "If God is for us who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31).

You all were very much in my heart and in my prayers these days. I very much missed being with those of you in Texas and celebrating the beautiful liturgies there, but offered that sacrifice to the Lord, hoping He would bless you all through it. Here it was my first time to live the Triduum according to the traditional form with "Solemn Masses"--that is every Mass and liturgy having three priests playing key roles (as Priest, Deacon, and Subdeacon technically). It had some particularly beautiful moments and I learned a lot.

I was often thinking of those of you in the Servers of the Immaculate because, for the liturgies in which I was subdeacon, I was in effect doing a number of the roles you would usually do. For example for the Easter Vigil the subdeacon is the cross bearer for the whole first part fo the liturgy. This parish has a very nice processional cross made entirely out of metal, but that is also quite heavy. So while the liturgy was going on I was also getting a good workout for my arms as I stood motionless for about 20 - 25 minutes during some of the initial chants. But at a deeper level, just to take that one role as an example, it gave me time to pray and reflect on the great power of the Cross, and how sacred it was. What an honor it was to be carrying Our Lord's Cross in procession, the meaning of His sacrifice, etc.

The candle-lit liturgy was very beautiful (began at 10PM and finished at 1:30PM). There were three people who were received into the Church--Baptism, Confirmation, and first Holy Communion--during the liturgy. I realized that it had been years since I had seen that during and Easter Vigil. Was quite moving, especially given the reverence with which it was done here. Saturday morning I was present as the candidates made their profession of faith. Helped me realize what a big step they were taking as they pronounced slowly and deliberately each thing they were now embracing in faith and wanting to give their lives to--not just the Creed but going into more specifics such as each of the seven sacraments. They knelt before the pastor and professed their faith.

Then Saturday night, by candle light, we led them in procession to the Baptismal font. There they were baptized and given white garments. Not the little bibs babies are usually given, but rather true white robes. Sort of in the form of an alb, but didn't look at all like an alb. More like a medieval garment cinctured at the waist. At any rate, when they were vested in those and processed back to the communion rail holding their lit candles, received Confirmatino, we sang the Veni Sancte Spiritus. Quite beautiful and moving, realizing all the treasures their souls were now opened to. Hopefully the parish will post some of the photos online and I can share them with you in my next post.

In the meantime here are a few photos of the Church from outside of the services. Doesn't show much but perhaps it will help.

Palm Sunday chanting of Passion

Altar on Good Friday--all the images, as is traditionally done, are veiled.

Easter Sunday with altar now decorated

Well, I need to get some sleep before a very full week of studying--and feasting! May the Lord watch over you all and grant you a blessed week!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Anthony Pillari

Transition

The Tiber in Rome

The Circus Maximus with St. Peter's Dome in the Background

Dear Friends and Family,

I sit down to write you on a beautiful Sunday morning in Ottawa Canada, where the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the air is a crisp 35 degrees or so. After an early morning Mass and then time hearing Confessions, I am able to sit down and write you. But first I had the great joy of opening a number of letters that you all had sent. Thank you!!! I so enjoyed hearing from you. Given how intense studies will be these coming weeks I may not be able to write you back, but please know that it was a great joy to read your letters and picture you all and what you are doing. May God reward you.

Well, after an extremely full two months in Europe--seems like it was much longer than two months!--I arrived Friday evening safe and sound in Ottawa Canada, where I'll be staying in one place (as far as I know) until the end of May. Thanks to the kindness of Fr. Eric Deprey, FSSP, the pastor here, I am staying in the rectory of St. Clement Parish ( http://stclement-ottawa.org/en/ ), and have been given an office in which to study, as well as a bed room. The Church as beautiful, old, and quiet. Should be a good place for prayer and study, and Fr. Deprey seems to me a humble and kind priest.

As many of you heard me say a few months ago, one key goal for this winter and Lent was to have extended time for prayer in order to better listen to the Lord's voice--which is often quiet--in my own soul. By and large these past few months were very blessed in that respect. Even in the midst of all the travels that were necessary I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost always possible, in addition to the Holy Mass and Divine Office, to have extra time for quiet prayer, Holy Hours, etc. Sometimes quite a lot of time for quiet prayer. Plus the very fact of being in foreign countries, especially ones with languages other than English, tends to give you solitude even when in the midst of crowds, and so it tends to facilitate prayer throughout your day even when in the midst of people and activity. The book The Soul of the Apostolate was a helpful one. It speaks of the need for a contemplative life in the midst of the apostolate. At any rate it was a blessed past few months and I'm very grateful for your all's prayers. Please don't stop praying! Discernment, studies, priestly ministry, and prayer are all ongoing.

It was also a blessed past few months for studies--on several different levels. Certainly on the level of languages. For example I was happy to discover that on the flight back from Rome I was able to read through a book in Italian--a life of St. John of the Cross--without the help of a dictionary. And there was a good deal of canon law study, but most of all it was an interesting time for studying the situation of the Church in Europe and, given the particular role of Rome, throughout the world. It was also a time of forming relationships with various people, that hopefully will be helpful for future priestly ministry and study. For example I got to know Don Francesco Giordano, head of Human Life International for Italy. He's an American with a great sense of humor and more importantly a strong faith, and a very difficult job. Living and working in Rome for years he was well placed to give some perspective on current evens in society and in the Church. Many other interesting people and contacts took place. May the Lord use all of that for His glory.

As I begin this time in Ottawa I wanted to let you know of another transition in my life. After a good deal of thought and prayer, and at the encouragement of my spiritual director, I will for the moment go back to using my baptismal name of Tony (Anthony). This is what is normally done when a priest transitions from religious life to life as a diocesan priest, which is what I am for the moment. Just as when one enters religious life and, in order to outwardly manifest the interior change that comes with becoming a member of a religious community, one dons a religious habit, takes a new name, and follows a specific rule of life. So also, when one transitions from religious life, this is supposed to be manifested by the taking off of the habit and donning diocesan gear, adapting to the rhythm of life as a secular priest instead of the daily schedule of a religious, and also (normally) resuming one’s baptismal name.

Having prayed on this a lot I think that, given the fact that for the moment I am a diocesan priest, it makes sense for me to adopt again my baptismal name. I also feel that this preserves the name “Moses of Jesus” for the proper use for which it was given: to live as a brother, and then priest, member of MDM. If the Lord calls me to once again live as a religious member of MDM then it would make sense to use my religious name again. 

Having said that, you all should still feel very free to call me Fr. Moses! This would be similar to what my family and friends did when I received a new name upon entering religious life, a name that of course differed from the one they had known for 22 years. It was hard for some of them that I took on a new name, as it may be hard for you or some others in Texas that I am going back to my baptismal name, but close friends and family still continued to call me Tony most of the time—sort of like a special nickname that they knew and used because of the special relationship developed over those years. In the same way it would seem to me very normal that all those who have known me for 14 years as Br/Fr Moses would continue to call me so.

I had been sensing for a while that this change might be what the Lord was asking of me for now, but had hesitated because I felt it might be perceived by you all or others as me in some way “renouncing who I was,” or appearing to do so. I don’t think that’s at all the case—after all, the green hair and three earrings I now have really don’t change who I am at a deeper level. Rather, in God’s mysterious plans, I believe this is part of the sacrifice He’s asking of me during this time away. At any rate, since to the best of my ability I think it’s what He’s asking of me, I will begin as of now going by Fr. Anthony Pillari (or probably Fr. Tony Pillari for most people). But it will also be a joy for me to hear you address me as Fr. Moses if you wish. Either way it's always a joy to hear from you! Am very much looking forward to the time when I'll be seeing you all again in person. Don't yet know though when that will be possible, and it may not be possible for a while. We'll see...

I will be very much thinking of you and praying for you as we live this Triduum. Please let your children know that I will miss them but will be praying for them! If they pray for me as well then hopefully all of us will be better servants of the Lord by the end of the week.

May Jesus and Mary watch over you.

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Tony Pillari

Heading towards Holy Week

Contemplative Sheep

Dear Friends and Family,

Holy Week is almost here! One of the best times of the year with the wonderful liturgies of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and of couse Easter itself. I will be praying for you all in a particular way as we follow our Lord in His passion, death, and resurrection, and wanted to share with you below how I will be living those liturgies. But first let me share some of the photos from this great 3 mile jog I found here in England. It takes you up and down hills, from the Carmelite monastery to the ocean.

Crest of first hill (monastery is in valley behind me)

The winding road heading towards the sea

Off in the distance, between two hills, is the ocean

Nearing now the Ocean and small sea-side town of Mawgan-Porth

Locals strolling the beach since it was a balmy 45 degrees

Had to put the sheep again since the animals are very nice to see along the way

Exercise this week also involved a day working at a farm--to get to know one of the local families that helps a lot at the monastery. Work included helping chop up a pig that had just been butchered. Interesting work... Neat family: mother and father have 12 children, and then those children, most of whom are married, have perhaps another 15 - 20 grandchildren so far. The youngest is two year-old Barnabas, a Down-Syndrome child. He's adorable. When I prayed the rosary with the family he crawled over next to me and just kept staring and staring, not sure quite what to make of me.... then as I talked with the family he crawled up onto my lap and was as good as could be. A real joy and blessing for the family I believe! Who knows what God is doing in his little innocent soul. He certainly has a special smile and gaze, and it was neat to see how the other children treat him so well.

Other than that day, this week was full of "ora et labora" with whatever time wasn't in the chapel being spent studying here. From now through the beginning of June it will be an intense time of studies. Tests every week for these next few weeks. Then during April and May I'm in class about 24 hours of each week, plus assignments outside of class and then... will be beginning April 5th the J.D. courses which are supposed to take 30 hours a week, plus the additional work of doing some ministry alongside the FSSP priests to get to know them.. so I won't be bored!

Tomorrow morning I fly back to Rome, then Wednesday fly to the States (Cleveland Ohio), from where I'll drive to Canada and move into the FSSP parish that is near St. Paul's University. Holy Week should be interesting. Palm Sunday I get to just observe. Holy Thursday they kindly invited me to celebrate the Mass and preach the homily (half English and half French), then to assist Good Friday, the Easter Vigil, and Easter day Masses as subdeacon, and to chant some of the readings at each. Will be very much praying for you!

These past two weeks at this monastery have been very peaceful and prayerful. This morning I had another 5:15AM candlelit Mass and preaching in Italian. Tomorrow will be once again 5:15, and then off to the airport, so I'd best sign-off now....

With much love and prayers,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari

Candle-lit Masses

Altar where I offered Mass this Morning

Dear Friends and Family,

Blessed Laetare Sunday to you all! This morning I had the wonderful blessing of doing something very dear to my heart: offering a candle-lit Mass before the sun was up (I know some people consider a desire for such things a mental illness but for me it has been one of my favorite things to do as a priest). The above photo was taken using my flash, at 5AM, before the start of the 5:15AM Mass.

The chapel is part of a 900 year old house that became a Carmel around two centuries ago, but that has a long history of Catholics enduring persecution, hiding priests, having priests martyred, etc. In fact the sanctuary lamp has been continuously burning in the chapel of this home--now Carmelite convent--since the time of the Reformation, meaning that the Blessed Sacrament has been here continuously since that time. Reading about the heroism of some of the Catholics of this home was very humbling. At any rate this is where I have been offering a daily Mass, including this morning.

To make me feel even more at home the Mass was not only candle-lit but it was also around 45 degrees in the chapel, reminding me of brisk early morning Masses at St. Joseph's outdoor chapel in Texas. At 5:15 A.M. I rang the bell and started out for the Mass, with the congregation consisting of 12 contemplative nuns (I think all under the age of 40). The sisters are behind a grill that faces this altar. The only light came from the candles on the altar--not even a flashlight needed to read the book.

At the nuns' request I preached the homily in Italian (since most of them are Italian and many don't yet know English well), and it was a beautiful Gospel to preach on--the miracle of the multiplication of the loaves by Jesus, which symbolizes the immense graces available from the Eucharist. Having an attentive audience of nuns I preached on (among other things) the variety of souls throughout the world who at this moment were starving for God's graces--those far from Him, steeped in sin and despairing of His mercy; those who would die today and needed the grace of conversion in order to be saved; mothers so exhausted from the challenge of raising a Catholic family that they felt they couldn't go on; fathers of families facing great challenges as head of the family; young people sensing a call to a vocation but finding it hard to respond; souls in purgatory; priests and nuns, etc.

And then preached on the amazing fact that, right then and there--in that Mass, Jesus wanted to feed all of them. All of these starving souls could receive His graces this morning, the graces that flowed from that altar. But in God's plans He calls for our cooperation, our prayers and adoration, for those graces to be poured out more abundantly. And so we prayed... was quite a nice experience to pray intensely for the world with the nuns kneeling in adoration.

There are some other photos I had wanted to show you but my computer is not cooperating... so I'll just add that I discovered yesterday a jogging route that is a three mile loop down to the ocean and back, with lots of hills in the middle. It's a great run, and has pretty scenery. After running past fields with sheep, cattle, and horses, you reach a little sea-side village with ice cream stands, etc. and the waves breaking on the beach. Hopefully the photos will eventually come through and I can post them.

This past week was quite good for prayer and studying. Only one more exam this coming week so it should be a bit less pressure. Last week's exams went well. Thank you for your prayers!

In Corde Mariae,
Fr. Moses of Jesus Pillari